061794
EDITORS NOTE: As per the Authors usual modis operandi, this latest instalment from the dubious affairs desk came to us wrapped in a World Cup program with the words, "Baggio was paid off" written across it. We can only hope that our author does not try to take Baggio out, in the Columbian fashion.
I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me and my Compadre have returned from Nawlins. We have apeased the Mojo to the best of our wild and pagan capabilities. Only time will tell if we have rendered to the Mojo that which is the Mojo's. For my Compadre and I, I hope that we have done enough.
It has been six months since mother nature fucked us in the ass, yet we are still standing. So up yours mother nature! You can quake us, burn us, and riot us, but we will still be here to fuck with you until the end of time! So, you better get used to it!!
That is, except O.J. What the fuck is this ? While the rest of the world was on the verge of nuclear war with North Korea, our attention was fixated to a fucking little white Bronco cruising up the freeway. For this, they interrupted the NBA finals game, the fucking PAGANS!!!! Jesus fucking christ! What is this strange and fucking twisted world coming to, where the sight of a white Bronco moving down the highway is more important than a fucking NBA finals game. What the fuck is next, interrupting soap operas for the fuckingbullshit preliminary trials. God, I hope those rat faced weasel geeks at the network know better. RIGHT! At least there is still fucking baseball to compensate for the trial coverage!
While we are on the subject of OJ. THE MAN IS INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN FUCKING GUILTY!! That's all I am going to say on this.
The only man that was guilty from the day he was born unto this earth to fuck it up, was Richard Millhouse "I'm not a fucking crook" Nixon, may his soul rot and fester in his own personal hell. That man was slime from the get go. On his death bed, the karma of human kind ws better off. God bless us all! The King is dead. Long may the king be dead! What a fucking paranoid anal-retentive prick he was. But, he made good apple turnovers. Bet he was dressed in Pat's sexiest playtex support girdle at the time. But, that is another story.
Speaking of that bastard Nixon. Will someone please get Bob Dole some fucking acting lessons!!!! I saw better crocodile tears from Tammy Faye. Hell, maybe all Dole needs is dome damn mascara. What a sight that would be. Bob Dole running from the podium with mascara running down his bloated cheeks, like the virgin who had just had her cherry popped!
Speaking of virgins loosing their cherries, Lisa Marie, what the fuck are you thinking!!!! God I need a drink.
Ah thats better. Now where the fuck was I? Oh yes Micheal and Marie. But thats just to horrible of a carnal vision to contimplate. Give me Austin!!!!!!!
EDITORS NOTE: There is a drinking pause.
That's much better. What the fuck is she thinking? Is she trying to become the spokeswoman for disfuctional families of America, or is she just looking for a deal on cosmetic surgery? Jesus, what a way to spend your life married to Peter "fucking" Pan. Hell, I think that the chimp can get it up longer and better that the Disfunctional one. But, that's one bet I don't want to know if I won.
COBAIN!!!!!!!!!!
What a fucking chickenshit rat-faced weasel fuck!!!! Life too tough so he splatters his head on the wall for his daughter to look at like a piece of fucking modern art. What a little dick. Was he so fucking afraid that he might find out that he had no serious talent, when compared to John, Jimmy and Frank. All I can say is that Cobain was a chickenshit weasel who took the chicken exit on life. He didn't deserve his daughter. He was useless slime.
WHERE ARE MY MUSHROOMS AND MESC? IT'S TIME FOR THE SUMMER OF LOVE II.
WHAT A CROCK!!!!!!!!!!
EDITORS NOTE: Against our better judgement, we sent the Author and his Compadre to WOODSTOCK 94. There were rumors, ugly rumors, about the authors activities. We deny any knowledge of their actions. we state this now for legal reasons. Here is his report.
The bits that I saw and remembered are vague and seriously deranged. I remember nipples, I don't know why. But , what I saw was the concert of Pepsi and MTV. Corporate weasels! But, there were that Mud People. They were the true spirit of the concert. Not the whining unintelligable tone of Dylan or the butt humping of Blind Melon. It was the fucking Mud People, in all their fucking pagan, hedonistic glory!!!! That gave this fucking corporate excuse for a concert its true meaning! They were the ones sliding and dancing in the mud. Not the fucking corporate Weasels, who wanted NO DRUGS, ALCOHOL, FOOD ETC. Hell, what made the original what it was, was the drugs. That is except the BROWN ACID. My comdre had some, he thought he was fucking Ravi Shankar for a fucking month. If he ever picks up a fucking Sitar again, I'll make him wish he was fucking Ronald Goldman!
My Compadre and I must prepare for the trial of the week. We've been given personal passes from Judge Lance "the party man" Ito, to have a pair of front row center seats. What I mean is that the two of us have been called upon to be jurors iat the trial! I just hope we aren't sequestered. It will play havoc on my Compadre and I, in the terms of our personal life style. Well its off the seat of justice for us. To the lair of Lance the Man!!!!
EDITORS NOTE: Marcia Clark is a lost cause. We've got even odds here in the office that the Author and his Compadre are the source of either a mistrial or a hung jury. We are not responsible for their actions. We have very good and highly paid lawyers.