EDITORS NOTE: The following transcript was taken from a series of tapes left at the republican national headquarters in Washington D.C.. It was contained in a copy of the contract with America, which had a very strong amonia smell to it.
FALL OF 94!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT THE HELL HAS THIS SICK AND TWISTED COUNTRY DONE! SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!! It's all the sick and twisted ages all together in one. Torquemada would love it now in this country! GOD BLESS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shit! A fucking Dickens flashback! Shit it's too fucking close to Christmas for all this crap. As we wait for the Republican bastards to bring back the orphanages and poor houses. ARE THERE NO POOR HOUSES? ...IF THEY DIE THEN SO BE IT, AND DECREASE THE SURPLUS POPULATION. More fucking Dickens flashbacks!!! With all this fucking Republican glee, I need more than Austin!
This new Congress brings a whole new meaning to the Python phrase, "She turned me into a Newt". What sort of fucking twisted people would name someone Newt! Worse yet, who would fucking elect a Newt! This is truly a dark time here in America. We've got a Newt , we've got a one armed paper hanger named Dole, and he ain't even fucking Hawaiian.
HEY KIDS WHAT TIME IS IT? ...................... Its a fucking rich white males mother fucking wet dream of the Ozzie and Harriet days! Thats what fucking time it is! As our country takes a great leap backwards in the realm of Human endeavor, I and my Compadre will go to ground. This facist twisted country! Shit! Moby fucking Dick would have a hard time here. This is armagedon, this is the age of Nixon and Reagan all rolled up into one. I must run. I must flee.
EDITORS NOTE: The dictation stops here and there is a long period of silence. The only sounds that we could hear were the pulling of the cork and the Author drinking his Autin. When we finally turned the tape over, the dictation began again.
What the fuck was I thinking?! There is no running away from this hell that has become America. These Republican weasels will track me down and force me to sign that contract with that devil of there's! No, my Compadre and I will make our stand!!!! As that world famous journalist said all those years ago, in the darkest days of the age of Nixon, "WHEN THE GOING GETS WEIRD THE WEIRD TURN PRO!!!!" To this end, my Compadre and I will go out into this fucking heathen nation! And we will fight this heathen scourge that has descended upon this morally corupt and socially fucked up country of ours.
COME MY COMPADRE WE MUST RIDE!!! THE COUNTRY IS IN PERIL!! WE MUST SAVE IT FORM THE DARK FORCES OF HIS NEWTNESS AND HIS EVIL TWIN DOLE. GRAB THE FERTILIZER! I'LL GET THE FUEL OIL, LETS RIDE!!!
EDITORS NOTE: We were able to stop the delivery of the preformentioned materials in time. Yet, some other Wacko had the same idea. We wondered about this for awhile, since we never saw the Author and McVeigh at the same parties together, and we have never seen his "Compadre" or should we say "John Doe II". But, as usual the Author turned up in another place at the same time, at least we think it was him. We're nor really sure. The following is from the second tape.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"SNIFF"WHAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! JERRY IS DEAD!!!!
These are truly dark times in the chronicle of our nation! This seems to be a continuation of the bad times that I thought that my Compadre and I had appeased in Nahlins. But still, the dark forces are growing stronger and more in control. We must stop this evil. This is the same evil that has made Mary Jane Roe a born again Christian. Once again, I call to my Compadre, Let's ride. Once again we must save this nation from itself. Let us go and find the source of this evil. It is time to go to Vegas!!! We must seek out the King, he will know how to fight this darkness. Lets fly!!!!
We arrived in Vegas on a strange and twisted flight from Lotus land. The plane was filled with pinheads, as I drank my Austin and my Compadre played children's games waiting for his Prozac to kick in. He is fearful of our meeting with the king. He is afraid, very afraid, as he should be. As we entered the town that has become a large chuck of melting Velveta cheese, in the heart of the American psyche, it has tried to become everything to everyone. Oh, for the days of the rat pack and bugsy. I wait in deep fear for the day that Disney opens here. I shudder at the thought.
As my Compadre fought against a minion from the darkside, I went out to find the King! The city was crazy. It was involved in a heavy psychotic freak out. The King was here with his warrior. After drop kicking a few scalpers, I arrive in the temple of the King. He is here. I can feel it. It is he who will stop the evil that is descending oupon this country.
I made my way to the ring, through the ravinous, rabid hordes of the dark lords. They were out for blood. Of this, I had no doubt, as I fought off their nips and bites. As I walked, I saw that the great white hope was in trouble. I reached the side of the arena and told one of the obese minions, that the hope was in trouble. He immediately lept into the arena, and the battle was over.
And suddenly, the King was gone! I ran after him, fighting off the ravenous minions with my empty bottle of Austin, my Excalibur!! When I got outside, I was tattered, torn, and on the verge of a severe and total freakout. The minions followed, roaring "Dole is Good, Long live the Dole"! I was afraid, very afraid, even in this bastion of sin and vulgar greed. The dark lords have taken over. Is nowhere safe! I ran as I've never run before. I must find my Compadre! I must save this nation from this evil force! But, the minions get closer. The are gaining on me. I will soon be in their grasp! OH MOTHER OF GOD!!!! JERRY SAVE ME!!!!!!!!
THE TAPE ENDS.